Stop Reprimanding Your Kids?

By Michael Alperstein

"Stop screaming!" shouts a harried mother to her young daughter. "If you don't stop jumping I'm going to cancel our trip to the Zoo!" shouts a father,  nearly at his wits end as he tries to get his kids ready for the day. These are common responses us parents have all used at one time or another. But do such commanding tactics support our kids to be truly happy? Even if they work, in terms of behavior modification, do they support true self-esteem? Are reprimands a necessary behavior modification tool that all parents should use with their kids? What happens when we no longer reprimand our children or demand that they stop doing a certain behavior, but instead reflect back to them how they are behaving?

Reflection of behavior is an alternative self-discovery tool that enables kids to naturally choose a more constructive way to act. I’m speaking of the power of mirroring so called ‘bad’ behavior. For example: If your child just stomped on a toy, you stomp on a toy also. If your child just screamed "No!" you scream "No!" too. If your child just made a mess, you make a mess too.

Sound strange?

Not everyone thinks so.

But mirroring can have a powerful affect on non-autistic kids as well. 

The first time I tried mirroring, my child Nicholas was just three years-old. Nicholas and I were at a park when he started climbing up a railing in a very dangerous spot. He was about to fall and get hurt. I quickly grabbed him and pulled him off the railing and brought him safely to the ground.

Nicholas protested my interference: “I can do it! I can do it! No! No! No!”

After briefly trying (failing) to explain that the railing was a dangerous thing for him to climb upon, I stopped trying to lecture him. Instead, I said “Here, this is what you looked like.”

I perched myself upon the railing and made myself look as if I were about to fall and get hurt. I completely dramatized his potential fall with serious (but slightly humorous) facial expressions.

Nicholas was fascinated. His eyes softened and his face relaxed. If I were to put words to his expression, his face would have said: “Oh, I get it. I was about to fall.”

He then joyfully turned his attention toward the next (perfectly safe) activity.

Since that day I have used reflection successfully on many occasions.

In your own daily parental life, after a stressful incident with your child or a melt down, I encourage you to give reflection a try. Try turning the tables around and reflecting back to your child what they just did, and then see what happens to your child’s inner state and behavior. 

Here are the steps: 

Step one: After a particularly difficult or emotional incident, if reflection is new to you, surrender your normal way of doing things. Pause. Be willing to place aside your usual M.O. whether it is punishment, shouting, commanding, screaming “No!” or whatever. Internally delay your reaction for a few seconds. At least delay the verbal expression of your reaction.

Step two: Observe your self and your child.  Stay grounded. Be present. Just sit tight for a moment. You don’t have to say anything instantly. Just allow your child to feel seen. Give a little space to your own inner reaction, be it annoyance, anger, or impatience. It is possible that your child will calm down a little, especially if you are somewhat calm. 

Step three: With a nonchalant, accepting attitude, create a spontaneous, ad-libbed, theatrical experience in which you re-enact, for a brief moment, the troublesome scene/behavior that your child just exhibited. Don't mock them; just mirror them. Let your self "become" your child. make it a game. Step into his or her shoes, for a window in time. Can you feel the innocence of what they just did?

Actions speak louder than bossy tones. The purpose of reflection is not so much to change a behavior, but to fully honor and accept the child, and then see if the behavior changes naturally. When done in the spirit of play and non-judgment, reflection can be a profound catalyst for change. After you've reflected their behavior (briefly) then turn your attention toward the "solution." Ask them calmly to clean up the mess, or speak in an indoor voice, or stop running, etc. You may find their willingness to behave in a new more positive way has gone way up.

If your heart is in it, and you are not judging them, reflection will be supporting them; you are giving them an opportunity to set aside their “bad” behavior using their own volition. They will see it was destructive behavior, and reach inside for a deeper solution.

Anytime your child “misbehaves” explore reflection instead of reprimand. Experiment with being truly serious as you play your part, as well as being playful, melodramatic and humorous as you play your part. Find your own style. Keep it short. Keep it real. Keep it honest.  

If your child becomes intrigued, you could invite him or her to participate. For example, you could reverse your usual roles, telling your child to teach or guide you as you act out what he or she did.

You may be surprised by the results as you use this approach. So-called “bad behavior” can greatly diminish over time. Give it a go!

Send me your success stories. I’d love to hear from you.